I don't really know how to start this journal off. I don't really know what exactly to say, even. But this has to be said before I let myself shrug it off like everything else.
If you're a longtime watcher, then you know I've been struggling with depression for about a year and a half. Honestly, it's been longer, but that's when I really came to accept it for what it was. Lately, I've been telling myself to just not let anything get to me--to find my smile and laugh back, and not the slightly fake ones I've been wielding for the past few months. To tell the complete truth, that hasn't really been working.
Writing is my way to vent. My way to channel my emotions and feelings into something that I can show them in another manner other than ugly thoughts. But, writing is also my way to create new worlds and tell countless stories of people and lands that I've devised in my messed up head. A couple weeks ago, my LA Honors teacher basically told me I can't write essays or the like that will get me anywhere in college, and it upset me more than I care to admit--it really did. Since then, I've been really going over my love for reading and writing and how I want to make a career out of it, so that perhaps someday I can prove to those wrong who told me that my writing was never going to get me anywhere in life.
I don't want my writing to be only for me, though. I feel like that's how I've been coming off lately. And I assure you, I want nothing like that. I admit, yes, I write solely for myself at times. But...I honestly, truly, irrevocably want to somehow make it so the stories and poems or whatever else I decide to write can reach out to other people and help them.
I always, always, always try my best at writing. I'm constantly trying to improve. I don't just slap a few paragraphs or words down and say, "Boom! There's a story/poem!" I go over it, no matter what it is, three to four times and try to make it the best it can be. Coming from someone who doesn't have much self confidence, however, I admit I normally think that the ending product is complete shit. It's just the way I am and I can't really get out of that mindset.
I want my writing to help people. I want to be able to reach out to others and forget about my own issues and problems; instad, I want to focus on assisting those in need of it as best as I can. Whether this be just talking with them, or writing them something, whatever it is...I want to do it. I'm sick and tired of dwelling in my own self pity when there are so many others out there with issues far bigger than mine who need all the support they can get.
I'm going to try and be more active with my watchers; meaning, I want to talk to you guys more. Exchange notes or just have a nice conversation. I want to be a person whom you feel you can go to whenever you need to get something off your chest, like I am right now. I know that seems a bit presumptuous of me, but I just honestly want to be the person that I don't always have around in my life. I know how badly that person is needed, especially when you're at your worst.
There are so many wonderful people I've met via the internet that I don't keep in touch with as close as I once did anymore. That's because I keep getting scared. Worried. Afraid that if I constantly talk about the bad things in my life and focus on the good things (because there are good things, even if they feel like they're few and far between right now) that they'll eventually become fed up with me and give up on me. I'm always apologizing to them, telling them that I'm not worth their time, but they always...always...always say the same thing:
"You're worth it."
Dammit. If someone like me, who stopped being the happy little idiot that never failed to come up with a story or RP idea and instead became a pessimistic and slightly bitchy girl who could put on an energetic mask for the public of day, but come night she would cry herself to sleep can be "worth it," then so can those who are in my shoes. Those people who are plagued with this soul-sucking disease that depression morphs into and makes you into someone you're not, nor do you want to be.
Just...let me be there for you guys, like you have always been there for me. For always standing by my side whenever I'm stuck with writer's block or feel like disappearing would be the best thing to do. I can't stress how much I love and appreciate every one of you who spares the time to give me a kind word of encouragement so I can keep going.
It's time I start doing the same, even though I admit that I'm not entirely sure just how I'll go about it.
I swear I will figure it out, though.