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Poems Litterature Typography by TheForsakenGoddess

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Submitted on
April 30, 2013
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823 bytes


49 (who?)
she was a vicious prion,
anomalous & infectious—
my fractured mind was the
perfectly unsuspecting host.

i was so ashamed of life
& you had all the answers.

"don't let me go,"
she hissed each night,
coating my flesh in a
despondent cancer.

(it was just too damn easy
                    to grasp your viral hands.)

i know my ribcage is almost on empty
& my heart is converting to toxic waste,
but i still have a feverish serum in my veins
& a voice not yet conquered by broken bones.

your plague of malevolence
shall never govern me again.
I will never let her walk in my skin again.

It feels so damn good to know that this time, I mean it.
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So I normally comment kind of seriously, but I'm going to take this opportunity to be totally crazy and abandon all sense of grammar or sentence structure.

.... Ahem, all done.
But seriously, I love the way your writing deals with important issues, and while I may not always understand what you write sometimes, I always feel a connection with the writing. I feel like that on it's own is the most important thing a writer or poet can have in their work. It makes me want to keep reading, so keep up the awesome work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

Well daaaaaaaaaaaamn I mean how do you write so well? I try to put something out and I have to literally squeeze the shit outta my brain.

Well, first. I'm not clear on your situation but I'm glad you feel good. So, on to the critique.

Well, it seems clear you have a vision for this particular piece so kudos to that. Its hard to have a focused vision for a piece, especially a poem.
And I feel the originality of this poem is really high. I've never read a lot like this, or about this theme. So yeah, really well done!
Okay, for technique, I'm always going to give you five full stars. Yours is wonderful!
Impact, 5 stars. It sends a strong wave to me... I guess its because I've felt it time and again. But like you, I hope, it'll be gone soon!

Then, each stanza. I actually didn't know what a prion was so I looked it up. Am I right to say its a rare infectious disease that softens your tissue or something? Its a really good use of personification/representation actually, I love it!
Um I'm going to skip the stanza 2 & 4 because um... I don't really have anything to say about them... hehe
For the third one, it gave me an image of a manipulation of the 'host' to keep the 'parasite', while it also represents a wall or illusion to cover up the harming.
Then the fifth one. I like this one a lot. Its like a contrast, yeah? the first two lines of this stanza rival the last two in meaning. Desperation to Determination.
Now for the last one. It sounds like a declaration! I hope its true for you, and everything is for the better now!

Well, I hope this wasn't too long for you to read, its about 311 words.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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TGIBA Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love the way this is written, perfectly imperfect with structure. :heart:
kushamisaru Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Critiques are closed but since you requested, I'll do one anyway. My first one so forgive me if it's a bit not good.

Devious rating: 4.5
Only because I think there's always room for improvement. I honestly can't see how you can improve. You'd have to go to someone more knowledgeable.

Vision: 5
Honestly, if you don't know how much I adore your descriptions by now, you never will. I love your way with words and the imagery you provide.

Originality: 4.5
We all have that friend or know someone with that friend. But you've handled it in such a unique way that you've completely turned it into something else.

Technique: 5
Similar to vision; you've got a great grip on this concept, I think. I'm not gonna sit and gab all day about how much I love what you do with words (though I could)

Impact: 4.5
Some of it kind of goes over my head and it's like understanding the punchline long after the joke has been told ^^; it affects my understanding a bit; but that's more of a me problem. You can just ignore this part, mmkay?
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner May 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is one of those beautiful pieces that shows how poignant and therapeutic poetry can be a the same time, I love this nearly as much as the author :heart:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
asdfgh :iconasdfghplz: I love you toooooo.
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Professional Writer
For #poeticalcondition.
I am painful so i cannnot offer 100 words.

The diction and emotion of this work stand out more than other features and are very unique.
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. This piece means a lot to me.
Ag-Wolf Featured By Owner May 1, 2013
A lot of your poetry really resonates with me, but holy hell. This is amazing. It speaks from a mindset that I completely understand and, in my opinion, encapsulates it perfectly. GREAT job.
(although I had to look up what prion was) :onfire:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner May 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I like the word prion. It sounds so...pretty. For being a virus. :XD:

Thank you very much.
Ag-Wolf Featured By Owner May 1, 2013
I like viruses! :dummy:
Oh, and you're welcome. :3
StellaStarfish Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Student General Artist
I love this. Beautifully written. Very nice job :)
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