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Literature Text
Wandering,
waiting for your voice to
reach out for mine.
Fingertips of satin,
caressing the confines of my
soul;
whispering a thousand constellations to my waning sanity.
Promises upon promises,
mosaic labyrinths etched into mutilated
flesh.
Trembling lips — July's blasphemous sun
lingering above December's intangible moon,
and these looking-glass limbs scream for your
tongue to shatter me into one million
pieces.
Rose eyelashes; iron thorns and liquid petals
flutter open to the dull luster of our
salt-licked sarcophagus—
and in the end, your nebula fades away
in the disintegrating morning, just like my [heart] broken
heart.
Literature
philosophy has lost its appeal
Your absence isn't the elephant in the room;
It’s the invisible parasites lounging in the floorboards
Just writhing for a taste of lonely flesh.
My repaired left half is gone;
Without you, I’m faulty once more:
The half-blind broken wind-up doll is here again.
There aren't words to describe the emptiness:
just return soon.
Literature
I think you left a piece of you in me.
This tangled mess you call a heart,
daisy veins & sin;
She's bringing me down.
& you were merely shivering
kite-string clavicles.
Nothing,
pressing winter bones
against my sun-stricken mouth,
darkness searching for a home
buried in my lungs.
You whispered breathe me
lovely in the inhale/exhale
of carbon dioxide suicide.
She speaks only of you now,
lonely & mourning beats-
Crack open this damn ribcage;
set me
free.
Literature
Missing Pieces.
I am a missing piece. Something that someone needs.
But at the same time, I feel so incomplete.
I’ve wandered way too far, wondered for far too long
Am I a missing piece? Or a piece that won’t belong?
Is it possible I’m damaged and not missing at all?
That I’m just as dysfunctional as everybody else?
Pretending to be perfect never softened a single fall.
But neither did admitting that you’re broken and flawed.
A broken missing piece. Is that all I’m meant to be?
There is no master plan that includes the likes of me.
Being all alone, it’s a hurt that will not cease.
A hundred thousand years from now
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And it's so damn laughable,
the way I keep believing I'll wake up from those dreams that turn my mind to nightmares;
and you'll be tangible at last...
the way I keep believing I'll wake up from those dreams that turn my mind to nightmares;
and you'll be tangible at last...
© 2013 - 2024 lupus-astra
Comments47
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactThis Critique is on behalf of <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/p/o/p…" alt="
" title="PoeticalCondition" />Vision: 4.5/5
The reason I have docked a half of a point here is because of the fact that there are so many metaphors used in this poem, that some of them have caused a bit of a disconnect. To explain... during Christmas when you see homes with beautifully decorated yards and it all goes together... and then you see that Yard with Blinking Lights... a blow up Scooby-Doo and Santa Riding a Motorcycle... and you start to say "Thats a bit much"... this piece was a bit like that. You should make the Metaphors more subtle, and use less. Metaphors are a poets friend... but you CAN have too much of a good thing. However... it wasn't really THAT bad, this is more of a warning. Hence only docking half a point.
Originality: 5/5
This poem is definitely original in the sense that it doesn't have a genre to fit into... it is it's own self-encompassing genre. This piece definitely came from your heart and it shows in the writing.. you definitely spent time on this piece rather than pumping out something generic. Well done!
Technique: 5/5
I love the style of this poem... the changes of pace... and the changes of tone to place emphasis on certain parts. I particularly liked the end, when you made the word "heart" decent as if it were breaking... almost like a poem within a poem. Brilliant.
Impact: 4.5/5
This goes back to the first category. The impact of this piece would have been a complete five stars if it wasn't suffocated with metaphors. Beyond that, this was an amazing piece. Just work on toning down the metaphors a tad and you will definitely start getting 5 star votes from me. Good work!