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Submitted on
February 9, 2013
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Wandering,
waiting for your voice to
reach out for mine.
Fingertips of satin,
caressing the confines of my
soul;

whispering a thousand constellations to my waning sanity.
Promises upon promises,
mosaic labyrinths etched into mutilated
flesh.
Trembling lips — July's blasphemous sun
lingering above December's intangible moon,
and these looking-glass limbs scream for your
tongue to shatter me into one million
pieces.
Rose eyelashes; iron thorns and liquid petals
flutter open to the dull luster of our
salt-licked sarcophagus—
and in the end, your nebula fades away
in the disintegrating morning, just like my [heart] broken
    h
      e
        a
          r
            t.
And it's so damn laughable,
the way I keep believing I'll wake up from those dreams that turn my mind to nightmares;
and you'll be tangible at last...
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:iconanonymouslovely:
Reading it over for the first time, I was confused by the concept but smitten with your style of writing. It was written beautifully and after reading a few more times over, got the message/idea through. Great job. Although, I find it that I enjoyed your other works much more. I feel like this wasn't one of your bests. As I mentioned earlier, I felt much more (as DeviantArt put it) impact from your other works. At the end of the others I was left with something to think about whether it was wonder, curiosity or just a smile on my face. The idea behind this poem didn't seem to grasp my attention. But I did love how original and unique this poem was. I doubt that I'll find a poem that will make me have such a loss of words. Keep up the good work.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconfunkeysanddance:
This critique is on behalf of #PoeticalCondition. First of all, this piece has such a deep beauty that it left me with goosebumps! The imagery in this is just unspeakably amazing! Especially the part "Fingertips of satin, caressing the confines of my soul". That was just so lovely! I also really appreciate the way you compared July and December, it really exaggerated the feeling there. :)
I am a real prick on punctuation though. So maybe you could have made a few of those commas as periods and started a whole new sentence, but that's completely your decision because it's your artwork and the punctuation is a big part of what makes a piece of literature unique.
Overall, this is a very beautiful poem with amazing imagery!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been Featured in my journal!


:)
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

Oh my, I quite like this. I will agree with :iconthelunardragon: on the point that you use a lot of metaphors but I for one, really love your metaphors. You painted pictures with vivid imagery. I espeically loved the line:

whispering a thousand constellations to my waning sanity.

Gah! Beautiful! Another thing I enjoyed was the way you structured this. You added visual appeal with the bolding and the fading of the last line, but it was more than just visual- it worked well when I read it.

Overall, a beautiful poem. Well done and thanks so much for sharing!
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconhetalia-spain:
Hetalia-Spain Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
((R.I.P. : My feels. :iconallmyloveplz:))
Reply
:iconespada-kitsuki:
Espada-Kitsuki Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
... Beautiful.

I'm speechless.

You're pretty awesome, so... HERE COMES THE BROFIST! :iconbrofistplz:
Reply
:icontymbir-howl:
Tymbir-Howl Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Wow that hits home for me..
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It depends on how you've perceived this, then.
Reply
:icontymbir-howl:
Tymbir-Howl Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Yes it does but also how my mind wives things together compared to how you think and interpret things but that's my genetic engineer talking
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:iconcrazycharlette1415:
CrazyCharlette1415 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow.
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ehe. Good wow?
Reply
:iconcrazycharlette1415:
CrazyCharlette1415 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yep.
Reply
:iconsherlock-status:
sherlock-status Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
So beyond beautiful.
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much.
Reply
:iconsherlock-status:
sherlock-status Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
Any time~
Reply
:iconminecraftbob:
minecraftbob Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
omfg. :omfg:
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Is that a good "omfg"? Haha.
Reply
:iconminecraftbob:
minecraftbob Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
yah. it means i really liked it alot!
Reply
:iconlizkartland:
LizKartland Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful!
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much.
Reply
:iconfindmyface:
findmyface Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so confused right now as to whether or not I should keep going or just suffer in this black hole I'm in, but.......but I think I'm going to keep going, just to see more of your beautiful work, that brings a smile to my face and a joyful to tear to my heart, thank you. You're work is just simply beautiful, please keep going, never stop. Sorry but I'm not ready to write critiques, but this is one of your best.
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad I manage to make at least one person feel good with my writing.

But please don't give up with whatever it is you are having trouble with. It's not worth it.

Life loves you. :hug:

Thank you for the kind comment.
Reply
:iconfindmyface:
findmyface Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*sniff* Thank you. You make a lot of people happy, trust me. Some of my friends who don't/can't have devi's, I show them your poems, and they make them so happy. Sorry I never asked you permission to show them, but I thought it could help them a lot. You made them happy, and that makes me happy. To me your like the personification of Happiness, thank you for the kind reply.
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I write my poetry to express, vent, and try to reach out to others. That's perfectly acceptable to show them to your friends.

And me, being the personification of happiness?

That's a bit too much, considering I can be extremely dim and depressing nowadays. ._.
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:iconfindmyface:
findmyface Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You make me happy even if your sad, because I still feel and see some happiness in you. Sorry I was probably rambling, uh...um never mind. *Back to the corner*.
Reply
:iconshinanyan:
ShinaNyan Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
I'm no good and writing critiques but I must say this is rather simple great!! I'm studying poems at the moment In My English classes, I was wondering if I could show some of you work to my teacher? I'll obviously credit you, with your consent of course.

Keep up the good work!
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow, really? Yes, I would love if you showed it to your teacher! I'd be flattered! :blush: Would you mind telling me what your teacher thinks, and which ones you show to them? Ehehe... ^^:

Once again, thank you so very much! :hug:
Reply
:iconshinanyan:
ShinaNyan Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
XD your welcome~ I'll have to show them on Monday, since I'm a lazy bum.

Urm, I'll most likely show them this one.... And... One of your first ones? Y'know, to show progression?...

The teacher, Her name is: Ms. Herret, ((she's, like, 25, i think)) she's really nice! But when the douche-bags in my class be idiots she sort of snaps. And bye 'snap' she goes onto Belarus mode (if you catch my drift...lol, I need to shut up now). She's also the head of the English department in my school.... So... Yeah... Word-power //shot

._. That was like a life story.... :iconminggagaplz:
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's perfectly fine. I look forward to hearing what she has to say!
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:iconshinanyan:
ShinaNyan Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013
:) Nice (new?) icon.
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