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Submitted on
February 9, 2013
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Wandering,
waiting for your voice to
reach out for mine.
Fingertips of satin,
caressing the confines of my
soul;

whispering a thousand constellations to my waning sanity.
Promises upon promises,
mosaic labyrinths etched into mutilated
flesh.
Trembling lips — July's blasphemous sun
lingering above December's intangible moon,
and these looking-glass limbs scream for your
tongue to shatter me into one million
pieces.
Rose eyelashes; iron thorns and liquid petals
flutter open to the dull luster of our
salt-licked sarcophagus—
and in the end, your nebula fades away
in the disintegrating morning, just like my [heart] broken
    h
      e
        a
          r
            t.
And it's so damn laughable,
the way I keep believing I'll wake up from those dreams that turn my mind to nightmares;
and you'll be tangible at last...
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:iconanonymouslovely:
Reading it over for the first time, I was confused by the concept but smitten with your style of writing. It was written beautifully and after reading a few more times over, got the message/idea through. Great job. Although, I find it that I enjoyed your other works much more. I feel like this wasn't one of your bests. As I mentioned earlier, I felt much more (as DeviantArt put it) impact from your other works. At the end of the others I was left with something to think about whether it was wonder, curiosity or just a smile on my face. The idea behind this poem didn't seem to grasp my attention. But I did love how original and unique this poem was. I doubt that I'll find a poem that will make me have such a loss of words. Keep up the good work.
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconfunkeysanddance:
This critique is on behalf of #PoeticalCondition. First of all, this piece has such a deep beauty that it left me with goosebumps! The imagery in this is just unspeakably amazing! Especially the part "Fingertips of satin, caressing the confines of my soul". That was just so lovely! I also really appreciate the way you compared July and December, it really exaggerated the feeling there. :)
I am a real prick on punctuation though. So maybe you could have made a few of those commas as periods and started a whole new sentence, but that's completely your decision because it's your artwork and the punctuation is a big part of what makes a piece of literature unique.
Overall, this is a very beautiful poem with amazing imagery!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been Featured in my journal!


:)
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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

Oh my, I quite like this. I will agree with :iconthelunardragon: on the point that you use a lot of metaphors but I for one, really love your metaphors. You painted pictures with vivid imagery. I espeically loved the line:

whispering a thousand constellations to my waning sanity.

Gah! Beautiful! Another thing I enjoyed was the way you structured this. You added visual appeal with the bolding and the fading of the last line, but it was more than just visual- it worked well when I read it.

Overall, a beautiful poem. Well done and thanks so much for sharing!
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much!
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:iconhetalia-spain:
Hetalia-Spain Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
((R.I.P. : My feels. :iconallmyloveplz:))
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:iconespada-kitsuki:
Espada-Kitsuki Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
... Beautiful.

I'm speechless.

You're pretty awesome, so... HERE COMES THE BROFIST! :iconbrofistplz:
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:icontymbir-howl:
Tymbir-Howl Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Wow that hits home for me..
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It depends on how you've perceived this, then.
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:icontymbir-howl:
Tymbir-Howl Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Yes it does but also how my mind wives things together compared to how you think and interpret things but that's my genetic engineer talking
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:iconcrazycharlette1415:
CrazyCharlette1415 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow.
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:iconprussianpersephone:
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ehe. Good wow?
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