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February 9
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Wandering,
waiting for your voice to
reach out for mine.
Fingertips of satin,
caressing the confines of my
soul;

whispering a thousand constellations to my waning sanity.
Promises upon promises,
mosaic labyrinths etched into mutilated
flesh.
Trembling lips — July's blasphemous sun
lingering above December's intangible moon,
and these looking-glass limbs scream for your
tongue to shatter me into one million
pieces.
Rose eyelashes; iron thorns and liquid petals
flutter open to the dull luster of our
salt-licked sarcophagus—
and in the end, your nebula fades away
in the disintegrating morning, just like my [heart] broken
    h
      e
        a
          r
            t.
:iconprussianpersephone:
And it's so damn laughable,
the way I keep believing I'll wake up from those dreams that turn my mind to nightmares;
and you'll be tangible at last...
Add a Comment:
 
:iconthelunardragon:
This Critique is on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

Vision: 4.5/5

The reason I have docked a half of a point here is because of the fact that there are so many metaphors used in this poem, that some of them have caused a bit of a disconnect. To explain... during Christmas when you see homes with beautifully decorated yards and it all goes together... and then you see that Yard with Blinking Lights... a blow up Scooby-Doo and Santa Riding a Motorcycle... and you start to say "Thats a bit much"... this piece was a bit like that. You should make the Metaphors more subtle, and use less. Metaphors are a poets friend... but you CAN have too much of a good thing. However... it wasn't really THAT bad, this is more of a warning. Hence only docking half a point.

Originality: 5/5

This poem is definitely original in the sense that it doesn't have a genre to fit into... it is it's own self-encompassing genre. This piece definitely came from your heart and it shows in the writing.. you definitely spent time on this piece rather than pumping out something generic. Well done!

Technique: 5/5

I love the style of this poem... the changes of pace... and the changes of tone to place emphasis on certain parts. I particularly liked the end, when you made the word "heart" decent as if it were breaking... almost like a poem within a poem. Brilliant.

Impact: 4.5/5

This goes back to the first category. The impact of this piece would have been a complete five stars if it wasn't suffocated with metaphors. Beyond that, this was an amazing piece. Just work on toning down the metaphors a tad and you will definitely start getting 5 star votes from me. Good work!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmichel-le-fou:
Although I do agree that the above commentaries are fair enough by my standards personally, I would add as a matter of protocol that the choice of punctuation and other mechanics of writing whereas generally and universally accepted as standard should in this case remain at the command of the writer. I have been asked about using _ in my poetry instead of commas. That is style. Rather, I wish to critique general style and expression. After all, they count more than grammar or punctuation. I like the use here of italics, as mentioned with other writers, as asides or as emphasis. The use of bold type too has that emphasis which I feel surely was intended. Generally, this was very standard and well-conceived. Never mind your use of semicolons.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconprettyflour:
*prettyflour Feb 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

Oh my, I quite like this. I will agree with :iconthelunardragon: on the point that you use a lot of metaphors but I for one, really love your metaphors. You painted pictures with vivid imagery. I espeically loved the line:

whispering a thousand constellations to my waning sanity.

Gah! Beautiful! Another thing I enjoyed was the way you structured this. You added visual appeal with the bolding and the fading of the last line, but it was more than just visual- it worked well when I read it.

Overall, a beautiful poem. Well done and thanks so much for sharing!
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
*PrussianPersephone Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconhetalia-spain:
~Hetalia-Spain Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
((R.I.P. : My feels. :iconallmyloveplz:))
Reply
:icongermanyxitaly1000:
*GermanyXItaly1000 Feb 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
... Beautiful.

I'm speechless.

You're pretty awesome, so... HERE COMES THE BROFIST! :iconbrofistplz:
Reply
:icontymbir-howl:
Wow that hits home for me..
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
*PrussianPersephone Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It depends on how you've perceived this, then.
Reply
:icontymbir-howl:
Yes it does but also how my mind wives things together compared to how you think and interpret things but that's my genetic engineer talking
Reply
:iconcrazycharlette1415:
~CrazyCharlette1415 Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow.
Reply
:iconprussianpersephone:
*PrussianPersephone Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ehe. Good wow?
Reply
:iconcrazycharlette1415:
~CrazyCharlette1415 Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yep.
Reply
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