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Submitted on
March 21
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it isn't like i'm
lazy or anything it's just that
the thought of getting lost
in a crowd of ten or more people
makes me want to puke.

this is not just some
stupid little hang-up that you can
joke about when i'm
digging my fingernails into my palm so
hard that blood is drawn as we walk through
school hallways so packed that it feels
like we're suffocating from too much
oxygen but i just grit my teeth and
laugh "yeah, i know, i just don't like
being around people sometimes."

but you know,
there's just something about the way
my mother says "go out and have a life
and stop looking like the world
betrays you every day"
that makes my stomach drop
or when my dad looks at me and just
sighs, like they've finally realized
i was never good enough to be
their daughter.

and to everyone who believes that
i just need to relax,
to just calm down and think:
fuck you. fuck you for trying to pretend
like you know how it feels when my
bones grind together like broken
gears as i walk by people who may
or may not know me or why i'm always the loudest one
of my friends when we're alone or why i
have to read over my text messages four times before
i can make sure it's all acceptable to send.

fuck you,
because it's all
just to hide the fact that
i am absolutely terrified of what tomorrow
will bring and how i'm probably
burdening everyone around me with my
mere presence and how
i have to be perfect,
i have to focus on others' problems and
not my own, i have to forget that i'm
sad for no apparent reason, i have to
not panic when customers ask how my day is
going, i have to pretend that i don't
want to just close my eyes
and live like i'm dying.
yeah sorry i told myself i'd write happier things but i just need to get this out i'm tired of feeling this way and being unable to explain it to those close to me and i'm sorry i'm a horrible friend and a worthless daughter i'm sorry i can't think of a good title sorry sorry sorry sorry
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:iconcrazy-and-proud2413:
crazy-and-proud2413 Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Student Photographer
This. 
This. 

Yes.
Reply
:iconpandanotes:
PandaNotes Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2014
I don't want to sit here and type my life story out, but I really have to say this is relatable, thank you for writing this. Beautiful work.
Reply
:icongeraniumpickle:
Geraniumpickle Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014
Ne... my dad's that way too. Trick is to find other people who accept you, the ones who laugh when you spell a word wrong and try to punch your dad when you tell them why you're crying. Hug
Just remember that everyone's a perfect person! All my poems are depressing too XD I worry people
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:iconsaphira862:
saphira862 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Not many people understand what it means to feel like a burden every time you try to talk about your problems. When I was in therapy for my family problems, I wouldn't talk to the therapist because I felt like another person might need this more than me or she (my therapist) had better things to do than sit and listen to the problems of a bratty child. You captured that feeling so perfectly, it made me stop and think. If you talk to someone you aaren't a burden
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:iconsaphira862:
saphira862 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
If anything, your a burden for holding it in. You become sad and deppressed. People start to worry.

And when you talk about being the loud one it surprised me. Instead of calling the people that are being loud attention seekers, you understand their reasoning. I was the loudest person in my schoo
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:iconsaphira862:
saphira862 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
L. I wasn't trying to get attention, I was trying not to be forgotten. Great job on this masterpiece I can't wait to read more. :heart:
Reply
:icon221bananasaregood:
221Bananasaregood Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
No one is worthless. If you can write like this, you're not worthless.
Reply
:icontheawkwardfangirl:
TheAwkwardFangirl Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This has left me mostly speechless. I can relate so well. I swear, you aren't a burden to some people. You've made me feel better, knowing that there's other people out there like me. Huggle! 
Reply
:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is so raw and honest. And perfect. I also like how you've taken the phrase "live like i'm dying" and spun it negatively...just because of how unique that makes this.

You are quite a poet. :heart:
Reply
:iconsomeonesecho:
someonesecho Featured By Owner May 9, 2014
Have I commented on this yet? No?

Well, either way, I re-read it, and I'm glad because hot damn this is greatly written
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