Zombie Ninjas vs. Unicorns
This is a story of honor and valor. This is a story of blood, sweat, and tears. This is a story of the power of friendship; the power of love; the power of imagination and the belief that you can do anything. This is the story
of the day zombie ninjas declared war on unicorns. And it is a fearsome talefull of ferocious zombie ninja warriors, elegant unicorn soldiers, and one poor pathetic human who got mixed up in the battle completely by accident. We start our invigorating story on one hot summer day, in a quiet little town whose name is of no consequence, whilst our hero is lazily sleeping in the bright morning sun
Sixteen-year-old high school sophomore Carl Newman was bored out of his mind. His tiny hometown had nothing to do, even on a nice summer day such as it was; therefore, Carl decided to take a nap. He walked out of his house with the relentless sun bearing down hotly on his head, down the little hill that his home was perched on, and into the grove of trees that marked the boundary of the town's dominion. There, Carl found his "secret base" that he had kept all his life. In reality, it was really just a gnarled old weeping willow whose sweeping vines concealed a small cubby in the trunk, but Carl was content with his little getaway that he had found when he was younger. Settling down between the rough sides of the hole, Carl yawned, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.
That was his first mistake.
While he was in the middle of a pleasant dream about winning the lottery and spending the money on an Xbox and all the HALO games that he could find, Carl became instantly aware that an odd, sickly sweet smell was hanging in the air. Crinkling his nose up at the stench, Carl blearily opened his eyes to a sight that he never imagined he would be seeing. Figures clad in dark uniforms bearing beautifully sculpted samurai-type swords were slashing their weapons at a couple of pure white horses. Utterly and completely confused, Carl stayed hidden in his cubbyhole inside the willow's trunk. Then, with a gasp, he suddenly realized something: Those were not horses! Horses did not have one elegant horn spiraling from their foreheads, nor did they obtain a certain grace or have strange sparkles shimmering off their creamy bodies.
is going on?" Carl asked himself, blinking. He rubbed his eyes. "Am I seeing
unicorns? And ninjas? I'm probably still dreaming
" Carl then noticed that the rotting smell was coming from the ninjas. Carl also happened to notice that the ninjas weren't moving as swiftly as he believed they would. In fact, some of them were moving like his ninety-year-old grandmother who had severe arthritis, God bless her kind soul. "O-kaaaay..." Carl drawled, raising an eyebrow. "This is definitely a dream. Must have gotten a slight bit of heat stroke from the sun." He shook his head in disbelief as one of the unicorns stabbed a ninja through the chest with its horn. The injured warrior fell to the ground with a loud "Oomph" andas Carl watched in shock and horrorhis comrades suddenly swarmed on the fallen man and began
tearing his body apart? And then stuffing bits of flesh in their mouths?
"TOO MUCH HALO!" Carl hid his eyes by dropping his head down. He heard the sickening crunches of the ninjas feasting upon the flesh of the dead ninja. When they made odd moaning sounds, sort of like what Carl expected a ghoul to sound like, he made another realization: These were not just any ninjas. They were ZOMBIE ninjas, apparently. "That explains the smell and the way they walk
" Carl muttered. Then, hearing more smacking noises as the zombies chewed noisily, he shuddered and added, "And why all those other zombie ninjas are
the dead guy. Although I guess if they are all zombie ninjas, he was already dead." Carl paused in thought. "So how did the unicorn kill him?
This sort of thinking is NOT for a respectable adolescent teen male in his second year of high school."
Suddenly the zombies all screamed with indignant fear as the unicorns charged at the group, and they ran away with the mythical horses close on their heels. Carl just stared, sincerely hoping everything was simply a dream brought on by too much exposure to the sun. The forest was silent, save for the rustling of trees in the wind. Then, a luminous voice addressed him, and Carl Newman almost peed his pants. "Young human boy
come here." Carl gulped as a large unicorn suddenly stepped into his view. Its equine head ducked under the willow's vines, and it seemed to lean its body in an elegant bow. Its eyes were a collage of all colors; its horn was gleaming and sharp like a deadly pocket knife. Carl swallowed the lump in his throat and scooted out from his hiding place, standing in front of the strange creature and gazing up at it in awe. The unicorn swished its tail in annoyance it seemed; it threw its head to the side slightly, making its pearly mane flow in the wind. Then it said, "My name is Lieutenant Sparkle." As if to confirm its name, small glittering beams of light appeared all around the unicorn's body. "You have just witnessed the first battle of many between my race and the zombie ninjas. For that, your memory must be erased." Lieutenant Sparkles stepped forward, pointing his horn at Carl's forehead.
Carl yelped and leapt back, his backside running into the tree trunk. He held up his hands and stammered, "W-wait! Hold on a minuteI'm an innocent bystander! Why do I have to get my memory erased?"
"For many millennia, unicorns and our sworn enemies, the dreaded zombie ninjas, have lived under the radar of humans. To ensure our safety, I must remove all knowledge you now possess of us, no matter how little it may be." Lt. Sparkle whinnied loudly and two more unicorns suddenly appeared. "These are my trusted soldiers: Cupcake and Fluffles. They are the most feared in our ranks. They will escort you to our base." Lt. Sparkle nodded at the two unicornswho were also large and beefyand they suddenly grabbed Carl by the shirt with their teeth and began pulling him along. Carl yelped and struggled in the strong hold of the soldiers. He yelled, "You're UNICORNS! Can't you just magically poof us to your army base or something?" Carl felt idiotic for thinking such a thingonly little girls would bring something like that up!
The unicorn to his rightCarl thought it was Flufflessnorted and pawed the ground. "Of course we can! But this makes us look much tougher."
The other unicorn, which Carl was surprised to notice that it was a girl, said in a high melodious voice, "Magically poofing, as you call it, is for ninnies!" Cupcake and Fluffles laughed and shook their manes humorously. "But," Cupcake added, "We will do it to humor a stupid human boy such as yourself." With that, there was a mysterious flash of light and Carl suddenly found himself looking at a beautiful clearing in the middle of a forest, with a large shining lake in the middle of it. Tents were scattered around the area, and many unicorns were milling around battling or talking with each other. Carl blinked in surprise. "W-wow
"This is our super-secret-ultra-fabulous-army-camp-of-doom," Fluffles explained proudly, his deep voice booming with pride. "You are the firstand lasthuman to ever see it. Now get on with it; Lt. Sparkle doesn't have all day to eradicate your memories of us." Cupcake and Fluffles pushed Carl through the crowds of unicorns, the two soldiers occasionally whinnying or nodding at the other unicorns. Finally Carl and his escorts arrived at the largest tent. The two unicorns pushed Carl in roughly, and Carl stumbled into the tent. Inside it was furbished like the tents in Tarzan and Lt. Sparkle was standing in the middle of it chomping on a plate of grass and various other veggies. The lieutenant looked up from his dinner when Carl and his escorts arrive. "Ah! Hello, human."
"Why the heck didn't you just erase my memory back at the tree?" Carl demanded angrily, a little annoyed about this whole ordeal. "Or bring me here yourself?"
"Simple: Because I am lazy." The lieutenant answered in a bored tone. "Now
" Lt. Sparkle cleared his throat and Cupcake and Fluffles trotted out briskly. The unicorn officer snorted and shook his graceful neck. Then he pointed his horn at Carl's head and said, "It was a pleasure to meet you, Carl Newman. Now
prepare to forget."
And Carl felt as if his whole being was slowly being sucked out of him.
His memories of the previous battle between the zombie ninjas and the unicorns flew away and Carl fell to the ground, twitching and holding his head. His mind felt like someone was taking a pair of tweezers and shoving it inside his brain to take the memories out of its small crevices. Then, for one blissful moment, the pain diminished and Carl fell back into a deep sleep.
When Carl woke up he had a splitting headache and the strange feeling that he had been to Narnia
or some other world. Carl was still in his secret base, and he got up to walk back home. Shaking his head, he muttered, "I really gotta lay off the video games
I'm starting to have too many weird dreams." He walked back to his house on the hill, opening the door and walking in. "Hi, Mom!" He called as he made his way to the kitchen to get something to drink. Opening the fridge, he grabbed the juice container and took a big swig.
"Carl, honey? Can you come in here, please?" His mother called from the living room. Carl rolled his eyes and walked into the living room where his mother stood with an unfamiliar person dressed in all black. A nagging sensation tugged at Carl's memory but he ignored it. "Who's this?" He asked curiously. His mother said, "He said he knows you. A Mr. Zom B. Neenjah. Be polite and say hello, dear."
Carl nodded politely and said, "Hello, Mr. Neenjah." The man stiffly stepped forward, then said in a rasping voice, "You know
" And then the man jumped at Carl, his figure like a blur of coal in his dark as midnight attire, a long Japanese sword in his hands.
And as Carl grabbed his mother's hand and dragged her away from the psychotic man who smelled like a rotting corpse, a single thought raced through his mind and spurred him to aim a clumsy kick at the man's head. Zombie ninjas and unicorns have been battling for many millennia!
Where did that come from? Carl wondered, but he shook his head and continued running through the house with his screaming mother in tow. As many other black clad men burst through the doors and windows, beautiful white horses suddenly appeared to combat them. All of Carl's memories of his earlier encounter with the zombie ninjas and the unicorns came back, and he gave a groan. "Oh, come on! Seriously, this kind of stuff shouldn't happen to a guy like me!"
"Human!" Lt. Sparkle roared as the majestic stallion aimed a powerful kick with his hind legs at the zombie ninja that had attacked Carl and his mother. "It seems you are inexplicably involved in this fray now!"
"You think?" Carl yelled back, holding his trembling mother. "Honestly, even I could have told you that. And I don't think your weird mind-erasing thing worked, because I remember everything again."
"Hmph. Well, next time, I will have to make it even more potent." The unicorn commander boomed ominously. He tossed his head back, gesturing to his wide backside. "Get on. Bring your mother."
"Mom, we have to go now." Carl said quietly to the shaken woman. "Lieutenant Sparkle is going to take us somewhere safe, away from these bad men." He ignored the bloodcurdling death screams of the zombie ninjas as they were taken out by the many unicorn soldiers. He was already accustomed to the whole odd plot of the situation
for the most part, at least.
His mother stared at him with wide eyes. "W-what?" She stammered. "We're going
with a unicorn?"
Carl nodded. "Yep. Sparkle will make sure we're safe. Okay?"
"Hurry, human. My soldiers are wearing down," Lt. Sparkle neighed in annoyance. That was obvious as the unicorns fighting the zombie ninjas (who were still pouring in the house like ants flocking to a dead caterpillar) began to show signs of exhaustion. The house was wreckedthe battle inside it had made sure of that. The walls were cracked, the sofa and armchairs were ripping, and Carl suspected that the other parts of the house were just as bad.
"But this is
" Carl's mother closed her eyes, and Carl was worried that she had fainted away in his arms. Then her eyes snapped open and she grinned wildly. In a voice that had the tone of an excited kindergartner, his mother said, "I've been waiting for this day since I was a little girl, Carl! I've always LOVED unicorns. When I was in my younger days, I collected them. My collection is somewhere in your grandparent's basement. Riding one
well, it's a dream I've always held on to." Carl's mother got up and walked over to Lieutenant Sparkle. Bowing her head down a bit, she asked in a polite tone, "Are you sure it's all right for an unworthy human like me to get on your back?"
"I like this human. She has manners." The unicorn lieutenant chuckles in his deep voice. He nodded, kneeling down so that Carl's mother could crawl onto his back. Carl quickly followed suit. His mother excitedly stroked Lt. Sparkle's soft mane, making a sigh of satisfaction. "I feel as if I'm a little girl," She whispered happily. "Thank you for making this happen, honey."
"Me? I didn't do anything." Carl said in surprise as Lt. Sparkle gracefully bounded away from the battle-scarred house, leaping through a hole in the wall that the zombie ninjas had made when they had attacked the house.
"Technically, you did." Lt. Sparkle said as he galloped through the streets of Carl's town. "You did because you chose today to wander into the woods when the battle between my brothers and sisters and those horrid monsters began. So yes, your mother is rightbecause of your choice, you have made her dream come true."
"Thank you so much, Carl darling!" His mother squeezed Carl into a bear hug, making Carl grunt with his ability to breathe suspended for a short amount of time. "You're my darling baby, and I'm so proud of you."
"Thanks," Carl grumbled, embarrassed by being called a "darling baby" in front of the tough unicorn military member. Lt. Sparkle seemed to chuckle at Carl's mother's pet name for him, but Carl wasn't sure if it was just a whinny or not.
"Where to now?" Carl asked the unicorn underneath him. He was surprised that no one had wandered outside to see a beefy unicorn trotting down the street with two humans on its back. "Oh, and will those guys we left back there be okay?"
"We're heading back to our base of operations. And my soldiers will be finethey can either pull out and return to our base or keep fighting until every last one of those abominations are finished." Lt. Sparkle answered.
? Will there be more unicorns?" Carl's mother asked. Carl nodded. She squealed with excitement, her demeanor exactly matching that of an ecstatic child. "I'm so happy! I can't wait! It's about time my unicorn dream has come true!" She laughed and hugged Lt. Sparkle's graceful neck, giving the unicorn many comments about how amazing he was and how happy she was becoming. Carl noticed with a touch of amusement that the unicorn lieutenant was answering her compliments with embarrassed gratitude, as if he didn't exactly enjoy being called "a big heaping glob of equine hotness." Carl hid a laugh when his mother called Lt. Sparkle that, shaking with the effort from it when the unicorn simply replied in a stiff yet self-conscious tone, "Thank you very much, ma'am."
And thus, Carl Newmanordinary high school boybecame entangled within the deadly web of pain that is the war known as Zombie Ninjas vs. Unicorns.
Whose side are YOU on?
(Is it the unicorns? It'd BETTER be the unicorns. 'Cause unicorns are awesome sauce topped with amazement sprinkles.)