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Submitted on
June 23


7,242 (8 today)
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Yesterday my mother asked me what I
would name my children and I told her that
I did not want any. She scoffed at me
and shook her head, insisting
that once I found the
"perfect man"
all of that would change.

And I thought back
to all the times when my palms
sweated and my throat ran dry
and my cheeks heated up just because
a girl walked by whose lips
were so pretty and pink that all I wanted
to do was taste them.

I replied, swallowing the acid
that was threatening to crawl out of
my mouth,
"it will take a lot more than that
to convince me."

Because despite the fact that
the mere thought of a man
with arms that could carry the weight of the
world holding me tight could
make my legs crumble beneath me,
I just don't know if it
would be the right choice.

I remember once
when I let it slip that I supported
those who loved all genders
my parents stared at me as if I
had admitted to murder. "It's wrong,"
my father had exclaimed and to me,
his words were a toxin more deadly
than arsenic. "It's disgusting."

In that moment I realized
that my parents would never be happy
with a daughter who could fall in love
with anyone the moment she
heard their laughter or saw the universe
that resided in their eyes. So I
just smiled and pretended that there
was no urge to rip off my skin
and burn it until all that was left
were bare bones and monochrome heart
too scared of what it desires.
Yes, this is cliche. Yes, this is a cry for attention because I need to get it out.

Yes, I'm officially coming out.

But only on the internet.

I. Am not. Straight.

I'm so tired of keeping it inside. I don't care if it's online but I need someone, anyone to know.

I am pansexual. I say pan because I find myself getting attracted to any gender, not just male and female. I figured it's time to stop pretending like it's not me and just embrace it the best I can instead of telling myself that I only think I feel this way. I've felt this way for about four years now. No, I'm not "confused"--I know what my heart wants and it makes me want to cry.

And if any of my friends in real life or my family knew this I don't know what they'd do. I don't know how they'd react. But I'm too fucking terrified to ever bring it up, even when everyone always bugs me about getting married and having children. I know some of them have accounts on here. And if they read this...please. Don't bring this up. Not yet. Let me bring it up to you. I'm sorry but I just don't think I can tell you yet.

Writing this has made me feel like someone punched me in the gut. Posting this is making my skin itch and sweat and oh god why am I doing this.
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Kerberusz Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Sorry I am not very good in English so I will tell you what I think in German:

Du fühlst so wie du bist und das ist auch gut so!!!!! Daumen hoch! Ebenso Kopf hoch! Laas dich nicht unterkriegen. :hug:
Es ist sehr schwierig in unserer heutigen Zeit für Homosexuelle (Schwule/Lesben), aber das sollte nicht so sein. Einige meiner Freunde sind schwul und lesbisch.
Na und? Sind sie dewegen Menschen einer unteren Klasse, haben sie Aussatz (Lepra) oder sind gar giftig?
Nein, sie haben halt eine andere sexuelle Neigung als die meisten Menschen auf dieser Welt. Deshalb können sie trotzdem für mich da sein, mit mir lachen wenn ich glücklich bin und mich trösten oder mit mir weinen wenn ich traurig bin. Das Gleiche mache ich auch für sie und ich freue mich mit ihnen wen sie die Liebe ihres Lebens finden. Ich bin genauso dafür das schwule/lesbische Paare heiraten und Kinder adoptieren dürfen.
Ich verstehe auch diese ganzen Diskussionen um homosexuelle Sportler und Schauspieler/SängerInnen nicht. Ich habe mit zwei Schwulen (die diese Homosexualität auch ausleben) jahrelang Fussball gespielt und mich auch gemeinsam geduscht. Ich verstehe nicht was die Leute falsch daran finden.
Es hat jeder das Recht glücklich zu sein!
Zu deinen Eltern, ich denke was sie vor allem brauchen werden ist Zeit um das Ganze zu überdenken/zu akzeptieren. Trotzdem sie sind deine Eltern und das werden sie immer bleiben.
Wenn ich (so Gott will) einmal Kinder habe und sie mir eines Tages sagen sie sind am jeweils gleichen Geschlecht interessiert werde ich alles tun was ich kann um sie zu unterstützen und sie begleiten so gut ich kann und dafür beten und bitten, dass sie ihr Glück finden.

You have got my full support. If you want to talk just send me a note or something else. :-)
carmencaracol Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Sorry, but... what's the difference between pansexual and bisexual?
Shikimari Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You go girl. I have this bookmarked, and I clicked it again because I don't remember what it is. I was so not disappointed at what I found because of how beautiful this is.
GlassMuses Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014
Hey, you know what, you rock. You're able to see everyone's beauty, not just that in a few. If people think there's something wrong with you and tell/treat you as such, point out that they're obviously way more messed up, actively seeking to cause you pain. Who does that? Find a way to use whatever argument they throw at you against them.
And about the kids? If they won't leave you alone, you can give them numerous explanations if you don't want to use this one. After all, kids aren't just about partners; they're a whole new way of life. Maybe you want to travel, but kids would root you to one place because of school or giving them a stable life. Maybe you find the economy too worrisome to try to support more than yourself. Maybe you just want to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want and not worry about bedtimes and friends' birthdays. Ask them about how their lives changed when they had kids and point out that it isn't the life you want for yourself.
Or just say, "I don't want to talk about it," and refuse to do so no matter how much they try to make you.
If you do want to talk, send me a message.Heart 
Love-and-Blades Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is beautiful. Find strength. You deserve happiness. hug 
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
jamujamu158 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
TorriKarlette Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014  New member Hobbyist General Artist
Who gets to state what is right, and what is wrong? Love is... you cannot chose who you fall in love with, and there shouldn't, although there is, be a reason for people who are not orientated to the opposite gender to be scared to admit it. It shouldn't even be something you have to admit. It's completely normal, and I hate when people say it isn't. Who said the right way was to be straight? Who get's to tell people who to love? I admire you for coming out like this, since there are so many people who are stuck in their idealistic world where everything should be the way they want to see it. And it makes me so mad. It doesn't change the person to something worse, it, it doesn't make the person someone different, I... I don't even know how to express in which ways I do not understand these people. No one should have to have the feeling that there is something wrong with who they are, well, I guess murderers should probably.. but that's beside the point. 
I hope everything goes well, the poem was beautiful.
BetterScarletMystery Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You are so brave, taking the first step, even knowing what this could cost you. Well done
ClockmakersWife Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful.
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