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Submitted on
June 23


736 (who?)
Yesterday my mother asked me what I
would name my children and I told her that
I did not want any. She scoffed at me
and shook her head, insisting
that once I found the
"perfect man"
all of that would change.

And I thought back
to all the times when my palms
sweated and my throat ran dry
and my cheeks heated up just because
a girl walked by whose lips
were so pretty and pink that all I wanted
to do was taste them.

I replied, swallowing the acid
that was threatening to crawl out of
my mouth,
"it will take a lot more than that
to convince me."

Because despite the fact that
the mere thought of a man
with arms that could carry the weight of the
world holding me tight could
make my legs crumble beneath me,
I just don't know if it
would be the right choice.

I remember once
when I let it slip that I supported
those who loved all genders
my parents stared at me as if I
had admitted to murder. "It's wrong,"
my father had exclaimed and to me,
his words were a toxin more deadly
than arsenic. "It's disgusting."

In that moment I realized
that my parents would never be happy
with a daughter who could fall in love
with anyone the moment she
heard their laughter or saw the universe
that resided in their eyes. So I
just smiled and pretended that there
was no urge to rip off my skin
and burn it until all that was left
were bare bones and monochrome heart
too scared of what it desires.
Yes, this is cliche. Yes, this is a cry for attention because I need to get it out.

Yes, I'm officially coming out.

But only on the internet.

I. Am not. Straight.

I'm so tired of keeping it inside. I don't care if it's online but I need someone, anyone to know.

I am pansexual. I say pan because I find myself getting attracted to any gender, not just male and female. I figured it's time to stop pretending like it's not me and just embrace it the best I can instead of telling myself that I only think I feel this way. I've felt this way for about four years now. No, I'm not "confused"--I know what my heart wants and it makes me want to cry.

And if any of my friends in real life or my family knew this I don't know what they'd do. I don't know how they'd react. But I'm too fucking terrified to ever bring it up, even when everyone always bugs me about getting married and having children. I know some of them have accounts on here. And if they read this...please. Don't bring this up. Not yet. Let me bring it up to you. I'm sorry but I just don't think I can tell you yet.

Writing this has made me feel like someone punched me in the gut. Posting this is making my skin itch and sweat and oh god why am I doing this.
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Lawlessness45 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful. I know it is an expression of your pain, but god dang it, you expressed yourself in a beautiful way.
crazy-and-proud2413 Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2014  Student Photographer
I'm asexual and panromantic, but everyone thinks I'm aromantic because I haven't met anyone I could work with. Well, I have. But Siema's a strict muslim and I don't know... I don't know whether she would be fine and I don't want to be wrong. : (

But... Good for you. No, really. The Internet knows, now; that's a start. And you don't have to tell anyone, but you have, so... well done.
KMusicDreamer Featured By Owner Edited Sep 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Well said. I completely understand. My parents are both very Christian and would wish death upon themselves if they knew I was pansexual. Actually 90% of my mom's side of the family would hate me, or pray for "my sin". And my best friend, who is my ex and because she is bitter toward me, she says I'm only heteroflexible. Which is definitely not the case. I like whoever I am attracted to. And that happens to be people of any gender, or any identification, for me. I'm mainly in the closet still. So I am very proud and in aw of what you've done here. :) I believe in you and your strength. You can and will get through this.
LittleKuroiNeko Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I return to this piece regulary because it just.. fuck I don't know how to describe it. It just hits me in a way I didn't know it could hit me and I'm just a fucking masochist for this piece of art. I'm in love with your words ♥

Excuse my language.
PennyDiamond Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2014  Student General Artist
I haven't really told anyone either. This is such a perfect description. So so beautiful.
Hyurikken Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2014
Story-of-a-Mind Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Kerberusz Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Sorry I am not very good in English so I will tell you what I think in German:

Du fühlst so wie du bist und das ist auch gut so!!!!! Daumen hoch! Ebenso Kopf hoch! Laas dich nicht unterkriegen. :hug:
Es ist sehr schwierig in unserer heutigen Zeit für Homosexuelle (Schwule/Lesben), aber das sollte nicht so sein. Einige meiner Freunde sind schwul und lesbisch.
Na und? Sind sie dewegen Menschen einer unteren Klasse, haben sie Aussatz (Lepra) oder sind gar giftig?
Nein, sie haben halt eine andere sexuelle Neigung als die meisten Menschen auf dieser Welt. Deshalb können sie trotzdem für mich da sein, mit mir lachen wenn ich glücklich bin und mich trösten oder mit mir weinen wenn ich traurig bin. Das Gleiche mache ich auch für sie und ich freue mich mit ihnen wen sie die Liebe ihres Lebens finden. Ich bin genauso dafür das schwule/lesbische Paare heiraten und Kinder adoptieren dürfen.
Ich verstehe auch diese ganzen Diskussionen um homosexuelle Sportler und Schauspieler/SängerInnen nicht. Ich habe mit zwei Schwulen (die diese Homosexualität auch ausleben) jahrelang Fussball gespielt und mich auch gemeinsam geduscht. Ich verstehe nicht was die Leute falsch daran finden.
Es hat jeder das Recht glücklich zu sein!
Zu deinen Eltern, ich denke was sie vor allem brauchen werden ist Zeit um das Ganze zu überdenken/zu akzeptieren. Trotzdem sie sind deine Eltern und das werden sie immer bleiben.
Wenn ich (so Gott will) einmal Kinder habe und sie mir eines Tages sagen sie sind am jeweils gleichen Geschlecht interessiert werde ich alles tun was ich kann um sie zu unterstützen und sie begleiten so gut ich kann und dafür beten und bitten, dass sie ihr Glück finden.

You have got my full support. If you want to talk just send me a note or something else. :-)
carmencaracol Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Sorry, but... what's the difference between pansexual and bisexual?
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Student Writer
Bisexual is being attracted to men and women, and pansexual is being attracted to all genders LGTBs identify as.
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