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brigid by Piezelle

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Submitted on
December 5, 2012
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818 bytes


44 (who?)
She is trapped in a glass box
One which follows her every move
It is always caging her in
With invisible walls so everyone can see her inside
Yet barriers so thick no one can hear her pleas

A cry of desperation rises up from her crystalline prison
A lamenting wail so loud it threatens to shatter the mirrored bulwark

"Why won't anyone listen to me?

She listens for a response
As the crowds continue to rush past her enclosure
All brushing against the invisible walls
All seeming to forget she's there

There is no acknowledgement to her despondent appeal

but s i l e n c e
I'm sure we all feel this way. Like we have some sort of invisible barrier around us that makes it so no one will really listen to us or hear us. But yet, we are stubborn and try to keep up said barrier, because we're afraid what will be said if people do listen to us. I know I feel like this frequently.

Enjoy more of my inane poetry.

Also, I'm going to ask for a critique on this one. It will be the first time I do such a thing, but since I only have this premium membership until Christmas, I want to harness all the aspects of it before it ends.
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I love what you have done with this piece. You clearly poured your heart into the poem, and that is an admirable quality that compels readers to connect with the piece as well. For that, I give you 5 stars for vision. You certainly wrote a poem that communicated your message well. In addition, the idea of "feeling trapped with only silence" will resonate with readers. I certainly did with me. For this reasons, I give you 5 stars for both vision and impact.
Now, while the idea behind this poem is sincere and thoughtful, it is very overt. Such poems revolving around feeling silenced and alone are done a lot in poetry. There is not a lot of subtlety in this poem. While this is not to my taste, you are also likely writing for an audience that does not spend a ton of time analyzing and writing poetry. So while it this poem is bordering on cliché, I will only removed a star and a half from your originality rating. However, the "glass box" in the poem is new to me. It is a beautiful symbol, and I applaud you for it. Therefore, your score for originality is about 3.5 stars.
Lastly, I will rate your technique. I prefer free verse poetry, so I was pleased to see you take creative liberty. The use of different font types and sizes to emphasize their meaning was great. The one thing I do not see as excellent in this poem is the lack of punctuation. This is merely my preference, but I like to see poems that use periods and commas to give the reader a guide to how the poem can be read out loud. And all poetry should be read out loud for everyone, right? Line breaks to indicate the end of phrases are all well and good, but I would suggest adding additional punctuation. A simple way to do this would be to organize the poem into a simple paragraph, add punctuation as if it was a standard essay, and then rebreak the poem up to your preference. Again, this is a suggestion because punctuation in free verse is a total arbitrary decision for the poet.

That said, I loved this poem. I do speech and debate tournaments, and participate in poetry contests in which the competitor collects poems to read to an audience. Your poem has inspired my next collection. I will now create a entry with the subject of loneliness in mind. This is probably out of line, but could I use this poem as my opening selection. It shows beautiful word choice, and it would be an opening that would make any judge sit up and listen!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

First of all, if this didnt have a hundred word minimum, i would just say,

Thank you for this.

But sadly, i have to write a hundred words. So, on to business.

For all the aspects of this critique, i have given you about 5 stars for each. That is because this piece of writing has meant the most to me throughout my whole life of reading, from a toddler to the present. This is the most relatable piece I've read ever. I have not known what has been bothering me, or even the people around me. So as said earlier, thank you for helping me realize that I need to pay more attention. And to learn my... I don't know what to write anymore.

Please ignore the shit I have written and look at this.

Thank you.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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LupiniunStar Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2013
I think this is very good, and potent like usual! And I loved the title for this one, it fits it perfectly. Good job!
minecraftbob Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012
silence is deadly.
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yep. It is.
ponygurl433 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I hope my critique helps!
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It did. You have no idea how much it helped. Thank you so much.
ponygurl433 Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
REALLY!?!? I'm so glad!
lonely-in-winter Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Professional Writer
I really like this! The symbolism is fantastic! :)
PrussianPersephone Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. I didn't think symbolism and I worked very well.
lonely-in-winter Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Professional Writer
Well, you did in this poem at least ^_^
CrazyCharlette1415 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so amazing! I think that every person can relate to this!
I'd love to write a critique but I'mtooscaredtodoso I'm inexperienced...
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