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hetalia by RespectHetalia

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Hetalia by skylarthecat

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Submitted on
December 22, 2012
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(Contains: nudity and sexual themes)
Once upon a time, there lived a girl named (name). (Name) was the most beautiful girl in the world, with gorgeous (e/c) eyes that sparkled like falling stars, and (h/c) so luxurious and soft that every unicorn in the universe went mad with jealousy.

Of course, being so angelic, (name) had quite the menagerie of admirers and suitors. Admirers and suitors from every corner of the planet, actually. Because they were secretly countries. And they were beautiful too. They were the sexiest men to have ever lived. Because they were countries.

Now, (name) was very modest. She did not like to admit she was magnificent in the looks department. So, in order to avoid unwanted clashes with the opposite sex (or same sex—(name) was just that stunning), she locked herself up in a heavily guarded castle. Whoever could get to her, (name) stated, would be her rightful husband. Or wife. She didn't exactly think this through.

All the people of the world tried their damndest to get to (name). They fought past the fire-breathing dragons, the soul-sucking demons, and the most dreaded enemy of all—the marshmallow. It was a venomous marshmallow.

(Name) watched their daily struggles with a frown that marred her sublime face. She watched with those pulchritudinous (e/c) eyes of hers that seemed to see straight into your soul, deeply saddened by the useless endeavours of her hopeful suitors. One-by-one, each man (or woman) managed to make it past the fierce dragon and distburbing demons, only to be deliquesced by the sulfuric acid of the marshmallow. The marshmallow's name was Rufus.

At last, the countries of the world gathered round (name)'s daunting castle, each of their minds harrowed on the task at hand.

America, being the hero, went first.

His buttocks was immediately set afire by the dragon.

England, being the gentleman, was second.

He got distracted by the delectable selection of tea.

France, proclaimed lover of the world, went third.

The elegant apparel of (name)'s wardrobe was his downfall.

Russia, thinking he was the strongest, was fourth.

He decided the demons were much better company and went to watch The Nutcracker with them.

China, being the oldest, went fifth.

Turns out, the dragon was his boss, and they went to go buy as much Hello Kitty apparel as they could.

Japan, of course, was a socially awkward nation, so he was sixth.

Instead, he went home to watch anime.

Germany, who was deeply angered by being so low in the list, went seventh.

He entertained himself by screaming at the demons to do more exercise.

Italy was a coward, making him be the eighth.

He ran away as soon as he caught sight of Rufus the Venomous Marshmallow, brandishing a white flag and pasta.

Prussia, though a dissolved nation, was the most awesome one of them all; he went ninth.

And got his albino ass kicked by Hungary, who wanted to dress (name) up in cute outfits, so by default was tenth. But she and Austria found a piano halfway to (name)'s room, so they decided it was time for a karaoke session. Spain, Romano, and Romania joined in, only because somewhere along the way the three of them had managed to get heavily intoxicated, making them extremely susceptible to music of any kind. Finland and Sweden decided Santa was in more of a dire need than (name), so they went off to the North Pole for cookies and milk. Norway and his trolls wanted to watch The Hobbit instead. Iceland and Mr. Puffin showed the demons how to rap, and Denmark was too busy thinking a tree was a girl from all the alcohol he had ingested to even make it to the castle. Greece had fallen asleep, and Turkey had taken the chance to cover him in glue and feathers just for laughs. Belarus had chased after her brother, and Ukraine's breasts had pained her back so much that she had decided to give up on her conquest.

Now, (name) was even more discouraged than before.

"Oh, curse this beauty that graces my face!" she proclaimed in a tone full of melancholy as she sobbed tears of diamonds. "What good is it, if it just makes everyone want to marry me? I want to be ugly! I'll just go make Rufus use his venom to disfigure my divine visage, and then become a hermit woman who lives on a remote glaciar in Antarctica!"

However, as soon as she had uttered these words in a voice as melodious as an angel's, the door to her room was suddenly broken down with a cacophonous sound, and Rufus the Venomous Marshmallow came waddling in.

With Canada riding on his back. Who held a hockey stick in one hand and maple syrup in the other.

"Get the fuck on the marshmallow, bitch, and let's fuck like moose in heat! And it's moose, by the way, even when plural—not meese, not mooses, moose. EH."

(Name) instantly fell in love with Canada, and the two rode off into the sunset on Rufus the Venomous Marshmallow. Who magically sprouted wings of gold that blinded every person who looked up into the sky, thus making the prices in glasses skyrocket.

(Name) and Canada were married at a Cracker Barrel with Neil Patrick Harris as Justice of Peace, and roasted beaver was served at the reception.

And then they had sex every night. So much, in fact, that they put the entire species of rabbits to shame.




And not a single fuck was given in this story.

Who knew marshmallows could be such cockblocks?

Fuck yeah Canada.

Don't worry, not going to put this in any groups. I'm not that desperate. I just thought it'd be funny to share this with you all. PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
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LailaBuscus Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
elyanaxlevilove Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Student Digital Artist
DAFU did I jsut read???
Ask-MMD-Arianos Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
BrazilTheAwesome Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2014  New member Hobbyist Artist
Canada Is now a grammar Nazi. .3.
And that Pewds reference. xD
Maria-the-Fox Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I love it!
luckystar66 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014
ShadowGamer1315 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Lol so much trolling! XD
 Fuq yesh Canada foreva!
shadowdeathmist Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Best story ever!!!
badassgermanchick Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
O.O this was a fab. crackfic . at least I think it is .
RasberryIcedTea Featured By Owner May 21, 2014  Student General Artist
Whatever you were high on while writing this, I want some of it.:drugs: :Psychedelic: 
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