It's not that I just can't, I don't want to. It drains my already low energy. It makes me feel like a failure. I look back on my old stuff and yeah, it was horrible, but at least I had some sort of driving force behind it. Now all I can do is write shitty poetry that makes no sense or it pisses people off because it's my own opinions and emotions and in this day and age you're not allowed to have those.
People who've requested stuff from me are probably getting really irritated. It's been months. But I can't bring myself to get anything done. I plot and make drafts but scrap them because they don't feel write.
It's been like this for too long. I honestly think it's time to put it aside. I don't think it's for me anymore.
But then what is? My only talent used to lie in writing. Now my talents include having nightmares, needing to sleep all the time and desperate for human contact even though I have major social anxiety.
If I do give writing up for good I feel as if I'll disappoint so many people. Although honestly, with my 1,300+ watchers, only about ten percent of them pay attention to me. So maybe I won't be letting as many people down as I thought.
It doesn't help that the only writing I do nowadays are essays for school. Because of all the teachers' different guidelines my writing has been all fucked up. I try and follow them exactly but it never feels right and I do poorly. I thought creative writing would help on occasion and so I've been attempting to do mini exercises here and there but they do nothing for me.
Do I keep trying to get out of this rut? Or do I just find something else to do? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I don't want to go to college, find out it's not for me and go into debt. I don't want to do anything. I just want to be happy and sleep through the night without any worries and actually love myself for a change. I'm so sick of this depressive shit. And I'm so sick of literally begging my parents to understand that I'm not okay but they just act like it's a big joke. At least I have friends who understand but it's not the same because they're not constantly with me.
Writing and I have always had a love-hate relationship but now it's more of a hate-hate one where it doesn't help me like it used to and just stresses me more.